Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
