I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
please don't ironically join a cult
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