I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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