and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
