I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
