You made me cry and you don't even care
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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