he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
