Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
