it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize