I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
