don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
