I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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