Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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