he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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