Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
