do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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