omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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