She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
