I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
