also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
