census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
babies were throwing up all over the place
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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