mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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