I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
