Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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