i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
