I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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