yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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