Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
