If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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