I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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