i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well I just put wine in my tea
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize