Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
