I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize