We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
