She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
