Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
