I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
