I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
