i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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