I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
