im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize