Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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