Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
