DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
