I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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