I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize