I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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