I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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