if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
