You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
