And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
