i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
