I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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