Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
