I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
