Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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