i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
her vagine was all disorganized.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
