There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
