dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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